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kolo t.c. goes in depth on the 2016 Iceman course with your friend’s friend from his last job, Bill. We think he’s in accounting. kolo t.c. sat down with Bill, a let’s-just-call-him-late-middle-aged avid mountain biker who has over 23 Out and Backs under his belt this year. If you haven’t had a chance to pre-ride the course, or only rode it a dozen times, don’t fret. Luckily for out of towners, there’s Bill, and he’s got a flat kit full of information for you.

The big change is the new start location, which is by the Fairgrounds. “You know, it’s a few blocks away from Karen’s house, remember her? Oh, sweet Karen. It was ’92, we were young, and the Gin Blossoms were playing in Grand Rapids. This was just before I met Denise, and I’m not saying I regret anything, but man, Karen was something special.”

It’s a short drag race to the woods, which means positioning early could make a big difference in the race. “Watch out on your right out there, there’s a big hole just off to the right behind the tree past the parking lot. Know that tree? Yeah, that one, just past there. Watch out for that one.”

Conditions are insanely fast according to all reports, and your friend’s friend Bill knows exactly what the perfect set up is. “I’m running some Schwalbe Thunderburts because my buddy said he ran those at Peak2Peak and they were perfect. They hook up a lot better than you think, too, it’s crazy,” Bill mentioned as he tore into a rather dilapidated burrito that seemed to be dripping through the wrapper and winding a thin red sauce down Bill’s meaty wrist.

But are they any changes to the course, Bill? “Oh yeah, they took out that singletrack that we did last year, past the second road. There’s a big root across the trail but instead of going right, we go left like we used to back in 1998, or maybe it was 1999, I can’t remember, it was the one Burt Maclynn got ninth in Clydesdale in, remember? Anyway, we go past that left and stay on the other side of that road until we turn back past where all the kittens are.”

At this point you’re more confused than ever and you’re mostly thinking, “Man, I wonder where the Sock Guy booth will be, I know most of the socks are misprints but I don’t care if they say ‘Fart Custer’ instead of ‘Fort Custer’, they’re perfectly good socks for $5 a pair.”

But Bill isn’t done helping and he’s got the finish all scoped out. “They’re puttin’ us up Wood Chip, all the way up it, and oh yeah, there’s no Madeleine’s Trail because of all the logging. So you go up Wood Chip the normal way, not the other way, and then you go into Timber and go right and up, then there’s some rough stuff, then you go left, left, right, up, left, center, tessellate -1, right, then through the container, then you’re done.”

Everyone, you can thank Bill after the race.

Disclaimer: This is not actual about anyone named Bill. Any likeness or descriptions of any persons is purely incidental.